My husband has a mistress.

And I cannot compete with her. He has his hands all over her all the time. She's slim, sleek, and fashionable. Seriously, everything looks good on her. She never talks back or nags at him to help out around the house. She always goes where he wants, says what he wants to hear, and pretty much follows his every command. He absolutely controls her every move. She's also into playing different characters, so she keeps him interested. She virtually never says no. She's available to him whenever he has time, and she waits patiently if he is busy for a bit before he can come back to her. And he does go back to her, time after time. He reaches out to her first thing in the morning, first thing when he gets home from work, and he stays up with her all hours of the night. She will even hook up with him and a friend without even blushing to play her "games." I cannot compete.

And neither can most women. The television is taking over my marriage. And with football season in full swing, my attempts at keeping that b*tch outta my life are fruitless. The tv in our living room didn't leave ESPN for at least 48 hours this past weekend.

It's not even just tvs. It's all sources of electronic stimulation. I remember when I was a teenager and so many of my guy friends were obsessed with their video games. One of my friend's moms said, "I wonder what will happen when they grow up and get married?" Well, I have the answer right in front of me. Late twenties/early thirties men who are attached to their television sets with gaming systems all wired up or on their computers incessantly playing World of Warcraft or something else stupid.

Seriously - what is with this virtual reality lifestyle we've got going on? Is actual reality not good enough?

I read in Parade this Sunday about how being constantly connected to our tvs/video games/iPads/laptops/smart phones/etc. is actually rewiring our brains. I, too, am guilty of keeping my smart phone on me at all times. I get my work email and my personal email to my phone. I play Words With Friends all day every day. I have the Twitter app, the Facebook app, and the GChat app. I am always plugged in. Seriously, I annoy myself.

Just yesterday, P and I went out to eat after church. When our appetizer came out the server actually said, "You know you're sitting right across from each other, you can talk, you don't have to text." Part of me wanted to tell him to mind his own business, but 90% of me was embarrassed. We weren't texting, but we weren't talking. I responded to the WWF moves that were made while we were in church, and P checked his fantasy football standings and watched the tv above my head that was on - SHOCKING NEWS HERE - football on ESPN.

When we bought our house, we agreed (OK, he was volun-told) that we wouldn't have a tv in our master bedroom. I'd been told by several friends and read in numerous wedding planning mags that having a tv in the bedroom seriously diminished the lovin' feeling.* I'm pretty certain that a tv anywhere within a mile diminishes that lovin' feeling.** This is either because A) the husband is attached to his electronic mistress and doesn't notice their wife in smokin' hot lingerie or B) the wife is so pissed off that she just did three loads of laundry, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom, and cooked dinner all while husband was fooling around with the previously aforementioned mistress.

Anyway, back to that b*tch of a black box - if I could live without reruns of The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'd seriously consider cancelling our cable service and hiding the Wii remotes.

*Maybe this is why our grandparent's generation had so many babies. They usually only had one tv in the house and none of this other electronic junk we can't live without today.

**Ok - not in all cases because several of my friends are procreating, so obviously some of that lovin' feelin' is happening somewhere. I'm sure it's someplace far away from electronic media.