On Being Friends with Ex's

I have always been the girl who has a lot of guy friends. I'm also the girl who has stayed friends with ex-boyfriends after a break up. Just a couple of Sundays ago I posted something on Facebook about my church being pretty full of New Year's resolutioners, and two of the three serious boyfriends I had before P came into my life commented on it. Last October, I had a conference in St. Louis, which is also home to my "first love", and I made it a point to visit him and his family while I was in town. I don't see anything wrong or inappropriate with any of this. Neither does P.

So many people find this strange. I have plenty of friends and have read plenty of articles that say "Staying friends with your ex is dangerous!" or "I would never stay friends with anyone who's seen me the slightest bit naked before!" Well, unless your ex is actually a dangerous person, you should be safe. And, if I wasn't friends with anyone who has seen me at least partially naked then my parents wouldn't speak to me, half my girlfriends would've disowned me, and I'd have to find a new massage therapist every month. Way too exhausting.

This is the truth: I've dated some pretty decent guys. I've been serious about 4. They are all kind, educated, and thoughtful gentleman. Just because it didn't work out between us doesn't make them (or me) a bad person. And even though the romance ended, they are still the wonderful guys I'd become friends with when I first met them. I call them every year on their birthdays. I will probably continue to do this for a long time. Maybe (hopefully) forever.

P also happens to be friends with girls he used to date. Heck, I'm friends with girls P has dated in the past.

I'm writing this because I've noticed that this is a huge issue with several of my friends in their relationships, and I've always found it interesting how people can have such drastically different experiences. I know people who've been seriously hurt and found a way to forgive. I also know people who don't remain friends with an ex on the principal of the matter. Whatever works for you - I support you completely! This works for me.

I also get told how "weird" I am because I'm friends with exes. Maybe I am, but I'm probably a bit weird for many, many different reasons.

I've also been the girl-friend (not even an ex-girlfriend, just a friend who happens to be a girl) of a guy whose wife forbids him to talk to me or any other girl beyond her friends and his guy friend's wives. I do not understand the hatred or annoyance. But, that's a whole different blog post.


Of course there are reasons for folks not to remain friends with an ex:
1 - Mental or physical abuse.
2 - Drug or extreme alcohol problems.
3 - They are a source of drama in your life.
4 - You can't get over them emotionally. Or vice versa.
5 - They kicked your dog.
6 - More that I can't name because it has just never happened to me.

Maybe I'm lucky. The only hurt I've been is the normal break-up pain. I realize that this probably doesn't happen for everyone, but I consider myself lucky to have known good guys and still know them in our post-relationship life. One of them is married with two beautiful children. My heart could not be happier for him. Another has found the girl he will likely marry someday. I get so excited when I hear about their happiness. Just like when I hear about pretty much everyone's happiness.

The reality is that P and I chose each other. We had other opportunities and potential life partners and knew each other through many, many relationships. But, we chose each other. We wouldn't have chosen each other if either were insanely jealous or harbored crazy amounts of resentment. It's just the way we fit.

I hope that when we have children and they date people, they have the opportunity to meet nice men and women. I hope that if it doesn't work out with those men and women, they don't place more blame or anger on the ex or themselves that is truly unwarranted. I hope that they can remain friends - if they want to. There is no one-size fits all experience.

Maybe it's just because I like being friends with pretty much everyone, and that includes people who've hurt me and people I've hurt. We're human. We make mistakes in friendships and romantic relationships. I hope we just don't let it scar us too much.

New Year, More Blog Commitment

We just celebrated our first holiday season as a married couple. It was wonderful to start new traditions and find a balance that worked for our newly formed family!

Speaking of balance - I'm trying to find a better balance. Part of this balance will be a renewed commitment to blogging. I'll still be talking about the happenings of me and P, but I'll also be rambling about random issues that are important to me.

Topics may:
- Why everyone should do service
- How teaching makes me a better student
- What it's like to be a military wife
- P's deployment to Qatar this year
- Girl on girl hate and why it needs to chill already
- On being friends with ex's
- Being comfortable in your own skin
- Other blogs I love
- Weddings and babies of dear friends
- My office's health challenge
- My 10 year high school reunion
- Whatever pops into my random brain

Got anything you want to see me ramble about?

Bachelorette Shindig

Last weekend was my "Last Fling Before the Ring Bachelorette Mountain Weekend" hosted by the amazing RevDocJLa and MaidOH. For the male readers out there, we all hung out in lingerie all weekend drinking lots of wine and having pillow fights. For the ladies, read on.

From the very beginning I told MaidOH that I wanted something very low-key where we could sleep, lay around, drink some fun drinks, and not do much. I'm not really into the whole "getting trashed in a bar then having a male stripper" thing. I don't like taking shots, and I get embarrassed very easily, so I don't like all the attention. I haven't actually been to very many Bachelorette parties because of work or grad school or other conflicting events, so I really didn't even know what to do.

MaidOH and RevDocJLa booked a cute little cabin called "A Precious Place" and brought up a TON of wine, beer, and snacks. Let me tell you, this place sure was precious. It's like everything in your grandparents house that you felt guilty about throwing it away - may I suggest putting it in a cabin and calling it cute? DeHart and I had a "Gone with the Wind" themed bed room, Pearls and Meg has a million mirrors, RevDocJLa and MaidOH had lots of lace things, and all the bathrooms had French hotel signs from Hobby Lobby. It was strange, but precious! The porch  downstairs was the perfect spot for us to relax, chat, laugh a lot, and tell stories.

Four of us arrived early on Friday and went to dinner at Hard Rock. I haven't eaten there in a long time, and my new found meat eating ways led me to the most magical turkey burger of my life. I wore the Bachelorette sash, and we drank out of inappropriately designed straws. We got back and hung out in the hot tub for a while. Pearls and Meg arrived later, and we all went to bed at a decent hour. It was great! Saturday morning we went outlet mall shopping. Sevierville has the best outlet malls, and we found some awesome deals! I stocked up on honeymoon and general summer stuff. Other sweet girls came up to join us, including my sweet K, and shop with us before we headed back to cabin. The lingerie shower was definitely fun, and luckily I wasn't as embarrassed as I was worried I'd be! P is going to be a very happy married man thanks to my sweet (and naughtier than expected) girlfriends! Then we just relaxed all evening. We thought about going out but ordered pizza instead. After a delicious brunch Sunday morning at the Pancake Pantry, we parted ways. It was PERFECT.

I think there is a lot of pressure on Bachelorette parties to be wild "one last time" before you get married. The thing is, I'm not wild. I'm honestly sort of boring. A wild night usually lasts until midnight and might have involved a bottle of wine at most. And, if I ever do get "wild" I want P to be there. So, I didn't really want to have something that would leave me feeling sick the next day just for the sake of saying I did it. Male strippers gross me out, and I don't care if a random stranger hits on me in a bar. I know some girls want that, and that's great for them. I know this year I'll go to DeHart's Bachelorette party, and we will be absolutely wild! It just isn't for me. And, it's OK to do what I'd prefer for my last "fling." I only hope the other girls weren't bored! :)

One of my favorite moments of the weekend was DeHart trying on the lacey thing in the RevDocJLa and MaidOH's room. Enjoy!

I hope Grandma isn't mad that we borrowed her wedding dress for a photo-op!

Fabulousness in an Envelope

I've never had a lot of "custom" made things. Since I spell my name with an "ie" instead of a "y" I never got the water bottles, key chains, etc. that people get with their names on it because they really jack up the prices when they have to do a "custom job." But, it was never a big deal to me. I had a few very pretty "M" things, and that was always enough. I never expected to have custom wedding invitations made. I'm VERY thrifty and frugal. When I started looking at wedding invitations, my heart dropped. I was thinking there was no way I was going to be able to afford the amount of invitations we needed! Seriously, have you looked at those things!?

While still at GSU, my old boss had an invitation she'd kept from another girl on campus. The invitation was beautiful and unique. I asked the girl for the details, and she told me how she'd ordered her paper online and had them printed at the print shop on campus. Fantastic news! Except that I was about to move to TN and didn't know where the nearest print shop was. Nor did I have any clue what to print ON the invitation.

In the meantime, I was chatting with my gloriously talented graphic designer friend, Shauhn. Napolean was looking for someone to help her design invitations for her little boy's first birthday party. I knew Shauhn had her own little painting and artsy business on the side of her full-time job, so I passed on the information. After seeing the outcome, it dawned on me that she might be able to do the same for me! So, I'd asked her if she would help me.

Boy, oh boy, is Shauhn Caughron Designs talented! I gave broad thoughts about what I liked, and she made it into reality. I'd seen a picture on ETSY, and Shauhn recreated it in 15 minutes. I'd google the wording I wanted to get it just right, and she'd quickly lay out beautiful formats and romantic fonts. I gave very basic requests like "I want a pretty B" and she'd find one that was perfect and change the color to complement my wedding. She did it all - photo altering our "Save the Dates," making a logo for our photo booth and address labels, the invitation and information pieces, and the program for the ceremony.

Many of you have seen the outcome of this design process. It's perfect. It's personal. It's different. It's classy. It's unique yet timeless. It's the perfect invitation for me. And, P loves it, too. I couldn't have imagined anything more beautiful. And, she did it all. If you haven't seen it, or want to look again, see below! :)

And now, others can have the same kind of custom design for any event for the same price (or less in many cases) than big time invitations companies. I'm so glad Shauhn, and our dear friend Tasha, have decided to go into this business together. I'm also so glad that I'll never have to buy ho-hum invitations again! Email shauhn@theinkboutique.biz to get more information. I promise, it's worth it!

April Showers Bring....

A lot of road trips. A guest room full of gifts. Many, many new memories.

In the month of April, P and I each had our own showers. Mine was beautiful - filled with yellow and flowers and yummy snacks! The ladies in our families and local girl friends came together for some funny games and a lot of fellowship. We had all of our favorite snacks - chex mix, cheese and pineapple bites, fresh fruits and veggies, and the most beautiful cake ever made! Spending time with several older friends mixed with some new fabulous ladies in my life was so fun. It was super relaxing, too, to see our families get along so well.

White cake with raspberry filling - and almost too pretty to cut!

P had a "Handyman Shower" where several of his college buddies came together to get his tool collection started. They spent most of the weekend just palling around, and I know it was very refreshing for him to see his friends. I was shocked to hear that he was the first to call it a night when they went out on the Nashville scene. Also, when you get the chance, ask him or his Best Man about "Pat Thacker."

We traveled to Murfreesboro for a "Chef's Shower" with some of our fabulous college friends. Kennedy Occasions hosted lunch at this delicious little restaurant in Murfreesboro. We each got a new apron (mine says Mrs. Beeler - yay!) and fun kitchen related gifts. The favors were adorable branded wooden kitchen utensils. We were lucky enough to get one of each, and they are so perfect! I don't know if I want to use them or save them! Staying at Hotel Kennedy is always a wonderful experience, and this visit made us miss Murfreesboro badly!

Finally, we traveled to Statesboro for a "Toast the Host" party. The best part of this trip was seeing our Statesboro family! We got to pick Pretty up from the Atlanta airport and spend three hours catching up before we had to share her with anyone else. Hot Librarian has a bun in the oven - and is an early shower, which I adore! It was so sweet to see her during this exciting time in her and Beer Man's life. We stayed at the Greenstein Manor with FutureDrKG and Disney Princess, and it was so much fun to catch up. During the shower, we played bridal party trivia and Battle of the Sexes. It felt like I never left Statesboro - man I missed those folks!

During all this, it reminds me that even though we have so much going on in our lives, we still have to make it a point to see our friends both near and far. It's easy to say "distance makes the heart grow fonder" until your heart is exploding with joy when you hug them again after almost a year and you think it might really beat right out of your chest. So, once all this wedding fun is behind us, we (me) hope to be blogging far more about road trips, weekends with friends, and nights spend around a kitchen or coffee table playing games. Those are the best parts of any party - the people you're surrounded by!

Afterall, it's all about what makes you smile. (hint: it's not the gifts, even though we're grateful for them!)

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.

It all started when my overly poofy 80's era hyper color dress smacked her in the face while she was leaning down to reach her cubby hole in second grade. Seymour Cuban and I become instant friends, and we've stayed that way through Beta club, boy drama, religious conversions, graduations, and a whole lot more in between. She's the bridesmaid I've known the longest, and our history is filled with more crazy stories than I have time to write about on this blog.

In middle school, when I decided to attempt a sport, she didn't laugh at me too hard when I was a terrible soccer player. In high school, she helped me get on the yearbook staff when there really weren't any spots open. In college when my parents divorced, Seymour Cuban opened up her guest room to me anytime I came home for a holiday and didn't want to have to choose between the parents. When I gradauted college and was about to move to South Carolina for grad school, she threw a "Mandie's Going Away Again" party complete with yellow solo cups. She's been to every graduation, no matter how far she's had to drive. She celebrates with me with every up and mourns with me when I'm upset. She knows when to take me swimming in a margarita and opens up her life when I just need a safe place to hide out for a while. No matter what, I can without hesitation say she has always been there for me. Even at our worst teenage drama, I've always known she and I would always be friends. I know I can always count on her, and I think she knows she can always count on me, too.

Seymour Cuban loves the people she loves without any pretense or expectations. She'll go out of her way without a second thought and never expects anything in return. She has supported me with every decision I've ever made, even if she's told me it probably wasn't the best idea. She's unassuming, incredibly thoughtful, and always has my best interests at heart. She is that friend you can call in the middle of the night no matter what it is, and she'll be right there.

I've known for years that I wanted Seymour Cuban to stand with me on my wedding day. She's stood by me through so much, it just wouldn't be the same without her there on such an important day. P and I were lucky enough to watch her say "I do" to her sweetheart in a small, private ceremony. We were the only "friends" in attendance. That's because she is more than my friend - Seymour Cuban is part of my family. The family you choose for yourself. The family you build over many years. It's been 19 years since I met Seymour Cuban. It's been an incredible ride, and I can't wait to see where we're going next.

Seymour High School 2000-2001

"Somebody's gonna drop everything, run out and crank up their car, hit the gas, get there fast. Never stop to think 'what's in it for me' or 'it's way too far." They just show on up with their big old heart. You find out who you're friends are." - Tracy Lawrence

It is by chance that we met, by choice that we became friends.

Napoleon and I were not exactly "friends at first sight." The first time we really talked to each other was at our graduate program's annual Rock Your Undergrad Welcome Back Cookout. I tried to tell her that we should get our dogs together to play, and she tried to tell me to get lost. Napoleon thought I was a dumb sorority girl. And I thought Napoleon had, well, a slight Napoleon complex. I don't remember the exact moment we actually became friends, but I remember being in the same group for our theory class project. Nothing will bring you together like analyzing personality and learning theories. Sometime during that semester we realized we actually liked each other. By Halloween we were half of the Best-Costume-Winning Golden Girls. The next year we decided to live together. Our dogs did, as it turns out, love playing together, even though Sam could drag Pongo around with a rope toy.

Napoleon doesn't let people in easily. That actually makes me feel pretty darn special. She is picky, and I love that about her, even though it made living with her challenging sometimes. I like to think it was good practice for living with routine-driven P. When she chooses to let you in her life, she will love you harder than anyone else ever has. She is brutally honest but also very kind with her words. She feels with you, just like she is experiencing the exact same emotion. She is very practical, except when it comes to shoes. She is introverted and needs her time alone, but she didn't kill me when I blasted music early in the morning and wanted to talk through everything. She is that friend I call when I need a reality check. She is incredibly thoughtful and surprises you with it because she's not mushy at all. Some of my favorite memories of Napoleon are sitting on the couch, eating whole pickles, watching Hannah Montana, and cuddling with our pups. She is that friend you can just be with. Silence isn't awkward, and you always walk away feeling refreshed. And, she isn't afraid to hurt your feelings. That's probably my very favorite thing about Napoleon. She doesn't aim to hurt your feelings, but she would rather bruise your ego a little bit than watch you get yourself into a bad situation that you might get stuck in. I firmly believe that's what makes someone a true friend.

I was blessed to be able to stand by Napoleon on the day she said "I do." I love her and Marky Pooh so very much. Now I get to love on her little boy, too. After P proposed, I immediately started talking plans with her. Funny story though, I actually forgot to ask her to be in the wedding. I'd assumed it was just understood. Good thing she feels the same way, otherwise this blog post would be super awkward.

The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple? [Eugene Kennedy]

If I paid for my friends, I surely didn't pay enough.

In the fall of 2002, I met an amazing woman. I moved to Murfreesboro to start college with two of my friends from high school, and we decided we would go through sorority recruitment together. When all was said and done, I was the only one who joined a sorority at MTSU. I was thrown into a group of 39 women from all over the place, with all kinds of talents, each just as unique as they were beautiful. We all had a common bond - the Alpha Class of 2002 for Alpha Delta Pi.

Sometime during our freshman year, K and I decided we would live together during sophomore year. With another ADPi sister and a Zeta friend, we chose an apartment and made plans. K and I shared one end of the hallway, and the four of us shared a year of changes. That was the year K met her now husband. It was the year my parents got divorced and my great-grandmother passed away. It was the year one of our roommates got serious about pageants and another quit being serious about school. We had many ups and plenty of downs. Come on, four girls in 1,000 square feet is bound to bring the drama. But, I knew even then that K and I would always be friends, no matter what happened in our lives.

K and I have, in fact, always remained close. She is also from Knoxville, and after she married, her and the Mr. settled in Knoxville. We always got together when I was home for the holidays, and we've always had the kind of friendship that you just pick up where you left off. No matter how long it's been since we've chatted or seen each other, we are just right back. I love those kinds of friendship, don't you? When I moved back to East Tennessee, we got together and celebrated that we were living close together again. Sometimes our plans follow through, sometimes they have to change, but we always reunite just like we saw each other yesterday.

After P and I got engaged, I knew I'd want K to be a bridesmaid. She is so unbelievably kind, with the biggest heart I've ever known. She has a way about her that makes you spill every secret you've ever had and is completely non-judgemental. She has a sweet relationship with the Lord that makes you want to find that for yourself if you haven't already. She is the kind of person who makes you strive to be a better person. She is so very smart and is always working to better the world by being a better nurse. K really is one of those people that you couldn't find something negative to say if you tried forever. She has stood with me when I needed someone on my side, stood behind me when I needed someone to hold me up, and I couldn't imagine not having her stand beside me on my wedding day.

Watching K and the Mr. marry was one of the best memories I have a of K. She was the most beautiful, glowing bride I'd ever seen. I am beyond blessed that this crazy busy wife/mom/student/nurse will take some time away from saving the world to stand by me on one of the most important days of my life.

The ladies of 305: Myranda, Katelyn, Erin, & Mandie

Sisters function as safety nets in a chaotic world simply by being there for each other. [Carol Saline]

I'll tell you one thing, meeting them explains a lot about you. [Connor]

Sidda: Such as?
Connor: Well, let me put it this way. You're a hell of a lot more normal than you've any right to be.
[Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood]

MatronOH and I started out our friendship with a question.
"You're L. Jason's L?" - Me
"No, I'm MY L." - MatronOH
Turns out she was NOT in fact the girl I thought my sort-of-boyfriend at the time was flirting with non-stop. I used to be way more confrontational that I am now. But, I digress.

MatronOH and I met in high school. We got in trouble together during chorus, made up secret societies together in Geometry, and generally had a grand time together. We were also the only two of our friends who understood the gloriousness of the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood - the book not the movie. Don't get us started about the movie. Her son's name is Baylor, for any of you Ya-Ya aficionados out there. We fought like typical teenage girls, but we've always remained very close.

MatronOH is one of the funniest people I've ever met. She has a fiercely loyal heart and will defend your honor even if you're in the wrong. She will always be by your side, even when you don't deserve it. She is creative and generous. She is thoughtful in very unique, personalized ways and is as stubborn as they come. She is protective and always makes you feel safe. She's definitely the "mama bear" in the group. She is also a strong Christian woman who pushes me to strengthen my walk every day. If you don't have that person in your life yet, I hope you are as lucky as I've been to find/have someone like MatronOH.

MatronOH has been slowly but steadily pushing me to find a kind, strong, loving man. She'd heard me talk about P over the years, but she was beyond pleased to see him arrive with me to dinner one night during the summer of 2008. She just smiled and waited. She had a feeling this would be the one for me. She urged me to stop letting my fears of getting hurt stand in the way of falling in love. Boy, was she right. But, she knows a thing or two of the trials and tribulations that come with love. She and futureSquid were married not long after high school and have been blessed with two beautiful and amazing children - Bug, who happens to be our ringbearer, and Sugarplum Fairy. Their marriage is one that P and I look to as we find inspiration for this lifetime ahead of us. It seemed only natural that she would be my MatronOH.

I asked MatronOH in a similar manner to MaidOH. After calling family and MaidOH, I called MatronOH. Much like MaidOH, MatronOH rarely answers her phone because she is wearing one of her many hats. However, she did, and I couldn't even contain my excitement. I said "I'm so glad you answered. I have something to ask you." She laughed and said "Ok?" In a burst of emotion I squealed, "Will you be my Matron of Honor?" She then stuttered "wh-wha-what?" before agreeing to hold the super important role. She even pointed out that I made her stutter and that it'd be a long time since she'd done that. I do aim to shock!

MatronOH has been such a strong support during this wedding planning process, just as she's always been for me. I am so lucky that she will listen to my never-ending questions on her opinions from flowers to music to invitation paper to ice cream flavors. I'm so grateful to have her in my life. I'm blessed that she would agree to stand with me on one of the most important days of my life.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same. [Elliot Hubbard]

If Friends Were Flowers, I'd Pick You

MaidOH might be kindest, most considerate person I ever met. She really is the kind of MOH/Bridesmaid every girl dreams of. She's the friend you count twice in your blessings. Seriously, if you don't know her, shame on you.

MaidOH and I met during GARP (Graduate Assistant Recruiting Program) at the University of South Carolina in March 2007. She was applying for one of the first-year graduate assistantships in the University 101 office where I worked. Her resume was stellar. She's won every academic distinction you could imagine while also doing a million hours of community service and holding every leadership role known to man. She also happened to be incredibly sweet. I actually told RevDocJLa that MaidOH might be too nice to be a GA in our office. Our director at the time needed people who would stand up to him, and I was afraid he would run all over her. But, she of course, knocked our socks off in every possible way. We also had so many things in common, it was kind of creepy. She was from Seymour, Indiana. Most of you know, I hail from Seymour, Tennessee. She has a Yorkie named Brinker. I have joint-custody of a Yorkie-Poo named Ilyana. We both have an obsession with Moe's and Dave Matthews. We were meant to be friends.

We were instantly close when she arrived in Columbia to start her grad school adventure. We bonded quickly (and often) over homemade Chex Mix and puppy play dates. During my last few months in Columbia, we spent almost all of our time together trying to soak it up before I had to go on the "real world." She was one of the first people I told about P when we started dating in summer 2008. I called and told her that this was the man I would marry before I even believed it myself. I called her first thing after he told me he loved me, and I called her crying when we broke up and when we got back together. She was my rock, even while she was starting her job and finishing up her graduate work. We lived about 10 hours apart while I was in Statesboro, but that didn't stop us from talking often. I knew she'd be my MaidOH, and I knew how I'd ask her.

On that glorious March evening when P surprised me with the most amazing surprise of my life, I grabbed both our cell phones and a glass of wine and ran outside. After calling the families, I called Michelle first thing. I was almost sure I'd get her voicemail, as she is busy every waking moment with her job. But, she answered. I tried to contain my excitement and asked how she was, trying to make normal chit-chat. Then I told her I needed to ask her a question, and I believe she really had no idea what was coming. When "Will you be my Maid of Honor?" came out of my mouth, I think she screamed, gasped, cried, and laughed simultaneously. By the time we got off the phone that evening, we'd made several plans.

Since that wonderful evening, MaidOH has attended bridal shows and dress stores, poured over decorations, talked about cake/cupcake/icecream options, and gotten sucked into more of the wedding planning details than she probably ever really wanted to. She rocks. Hands down. The most amazing thing about having MaidOH in my life is knowing that this is only one of many events we'll share in our lifetimes. We've watched each other become "Masters" of education, start new jobs, move to new places, and I've watched her complete a 60 mile 3-day walk for breast cancer with RevDocJLa. I know I'll watch her say her "I do's," and we'll be there for each other when babies come around.

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future,
and accepts you today just the way you are."